Then what?

The fun stuff has gone from the cupboards. No fake magnums in this freezer. The shiny new book of power is mine and I am officially on my way (albeit for the umpteenth time) to becoming that which I most desired as a plump unlovely teenager – thin – yey!

Of course I’m still fifty six. So my ultimate goal, of resembling one of the lipsmackinthirstquenchinacetastinmotivatincoolbuzzinsomethingsomethingsomethingsomemoresomethingsPepsiiiii waifs is alas, out of reach. Nor will I teach the world to sing with the real thing, or represent the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate – though the perm was definitely a good move – the advantage of big hair rendering the rest of me comparatively smaller – Hurrah!

But, the important thing is, I feel so much BETTER!!!!! Probably considerably more boring – and definitely incredibly selfish in the eyes of the young ones who continually wander in and out of the kitchen opening and closing doors like billyo, billio, billy o, billy-oh fuck it.

Anyhow, they’re pretty cheesed off that I’m drawing a line under corporeal expansion. For many months now, instead of nudging me subtly and gently towards ‘healthy choices’ (did I really just say that?), they’ve been blatantly scoffing the fruits (now that is a joke) of my monstrous greed fests with a delight that I can only think of now as – well – chilling.

So back to the big (ha!) day. I was late – of course – so missed most of the new members talk. What could they possibly tell me that I didn’t already know anyway??? Or so I thought, until it came to filling in the food diary – yes – it’s a thing – piece of cake eh?! Well not cake obviously. Surely meal titles as subject headings is a basic? Nope – apparently you just write down piles of food in one bit, and piles of different food in a different bit. What can go wrong?

Clearly I’m not going to reveal the horrible truth of the weigh-in. But with a bit of luck I’ll toot fanfares next Monday with the week one reveal of my incredible ‘weight-loss journey:)!’